The dog peed on the carpet today. I guess that ends our streak.
So my anxiety has lessened significantly since last week. I have been just chillin and it has been pretty good. Jd and I had a fun weekend. On Friday night we went to see my sister Amy pla volleyball at her high school. She is a senior this year and starting on the Varsity. I like going because we won’t have any sports to go see once she graduates. On Saturday, I got up and ran eight miles ( I decided to run a half marathon on November 2, so this was a training run, not a normal one, mom.) Then Courtney and DJ came over and we went to Fort Worth to the Rahr Brewwery. They are only open on Saturday from 1-3, so we went bought a mug or two, and got our tokens for three beers. I don’t like beer that much, so I drank about half of one then gave Jd my tokens. We then came home and played MExican train all afternoon. After the Hofmanns went home, we got grandy’s for dinner, and watched “The Prestige”. It was great. See it. On Sunday we celebrated my step dad and my aunt’s birthday and my grandma was in town, after that we took CoCo on a long walk, and I went to bed. I was tired.
Life is worrysome right now for me. The house we live in is on the market, mainly because my uncles were pressuring my dad to sell it already. So, I travel around with the ever present thought in the background that we may soon be homeless. I know God is way bigger than this and that He really wants us to stay in this free house until we move (okay, that last part I am not so sure of.) So, He is in charge of everything, and He is good, so I guess I don’t need to worry.
And, the dog has not peed inside in two days! Wahooooo!
I have battled anxiety for longer than I have battled body and food issues.It is hard for me to remember a time in life where I wasn’t anxious. Always at the beginning of a new school year, every Sunday night as the week began again, when my parents separated, when I moved to a new school, when plans change, at the holidays, on my way to school, on my way home from school, anytime I do anything new, ect. I feel that more than any other sin in my life or struggle I face, that anxiety will be the thorn in my side. It is when I am at my most anxious that I try the hardest to reach out for the Peace that only Jesus brings. So that might be why it stays as constant as it does.
This past week I have struggled with more anxiety that I have had in the past six or seven months. It started on Sunday, feeling out of the loop for some reason at church, thinking I don’t belong anymore. I am in the purple room with Ethan and Jacob now, so that is a new change with new teachers and this stupid yellow racetrack that causes a fight every week, especially because the autistic kids love it and want it just the way they want it. I hate change.
Sunday afternoon morphed into more anxiety, some of which followed me to Monday. I was fine during the day, because I was busy, but that night I got a call telling me that I would not have to go to work the next day. I slept until 10:30 on Tuesday, partly from exhaustion, partly trying to avoid being anxious. Got up, worked out, went to class and then my sisters V-ball game. She had one at 5 and one at 7. I almost had a panic attack trying to decide which one to go to. I went to both.
Wednesday caused more anxiety. I get out of school at 9:30, leaving me alone all day long. I was supposed to meet with a friend, but she had some serious illness and I did not want it. Because of the dog, I can’t just spend the entire day making myself busy by going to the library or surfing the net, or avoiding my feelings. I have to go home, I have to let the dog out. so I cleaned, and took a nap and took the dog for a walk.
Today feels the same. Went to work, I was fine. Went to class, I was fine. Suddenly, however, anxiety began plaguing me .
I am trying hard not to make myself so busy I forget my feelings. I am a do-er. I will do stuff and make stuff and go places just to get rid of my feelings, just to forget them. Sometimes I need to do that, sometimes reaching out and doing something is a good way to cope, but there has to be a time when I can just rest and be okay in sitting there. Be okay knowing that I am not busy. Be okay just being anxious and letting Jesus take care of it.
I guess that’s what the Lord has been telling me all along. To be still. He will fight for me, I need only to be still. So that is my prayer. That I can sit in this anxiety that seems to envelop me at times and at other times is just a quiet background figure. Jesus can handle it.
This past week has brought a hurricane of changes into my life…
First, I started a new school semester, so that always stresses me out. With the new semester comes new students at work, a whole new roster with all new kids trying to learn how to swim.
Secondly, my brother moved to China. He is studying Mandarin over there and will be back on Christmas Eve. It is weird to think that my sister’s baby will be almost a month old when Tyler sees he/she for the first time.
Thirdly, we got a puppy. She is five months old, german shepherd to the max, and she is needy. I keep telling Jd that I thought that dogs were just big cats, apparently I was wrong. She is doing well, hasn’t peed inside too much, and is friendly. If she wasn’t so dang cute, I would be a lot more angry when I cleaned up her pee. She will be a good guard dog, as last night she spent about ten minutes barking at the recycle bins we had put on the curb. We are having fun and will post pictures soon.
And finally, as a result of the recent Olympic games, i have decided that when I become a Honduran citizen, I am going to try out for the olympics. Maybe marathon, maybe swimming, perhaps a little archery. Who knows? Of course, I fully expect that in a month I will be over this new goal.
So, needless to say, I am exhausted from the past few weeks. I will let everyone know, however, that because we have a new alarm clock that barks us awake at 5 everyday, I have not been late to school one time since it started! Yay me!