I have battled anxiety for longer than I have battled body and food issues.It is hard for me to remember a time in life where I wasn’t anxious. Always at the beginning of a new school year, every Sunday night as the week began again, when my parents separated, when I moved to a new school, when plans change, at the holidays, on my way to school, on my way home from school, anytime I do anything new, ect. I feel that more than any other sin in my life or struggle I face, that anxiety will be the thorn in my side. It is when I am at my most anxious that I try the hardest to reach out for the Peace that only Jesus brings. So that might be why it stays as constant as it does.
This past week I have struggled with more anxiety that I have had in the past six or seven months. It started on Sunday, feeling out of the loop for some reason at church, thinking I don’t belong anymore. I am in the purple room with Ethan and Jacob now, so that is a new change with new teachers and this stupid yellow racetrack that causes a fight every week, especially because the autistic kids love it and want it just the way they want it. I hate change.
Sunday afternoon morphed into more anxiety, some of which followed me to Monday. I was fine during the day, because I was busy, but that night I got a call telling me that I would not have to go to work the next day. I slept until 10:30 on Tuesday, partly from exhaustion, partly trying to avoid being anxious. Got up, worked out, went to class and then my sisters V-ball game. She had one at 5 and one at 7. I almost had a panic attack trying to decide which one to go to. I went to both.
Wednesday caused more anxiety. I get out of school at 9:30, leaving me alone all day long. I was supposed to meet with a friend, but she had some serious illness and I did not want it. Because of the dog, I can’t just spend the entire day making myself busy by going to the library or surfing the net, or avoiding my feelings. I have to go home, I have to let the dog out. so I cleaned, and took a nap and took the dog for a walk.
Today feels the same. Went to work, I was fine. Went to class, I was fine. Suddenly, however, anxiety began plaguing me .
I am trying hard not to make myself so busy I forget my feelings. I am a do-er. I will do stuff and make stuff and go places just to get rid of my feelings, just to forget them. Sometimes I need to do that, sometimes reaching out and doing something is a good way to cope, but there has to be a time when I can just rest and be okay in sitting there. Be okay knowing that I am not busy. Be okay just being anxious and letting Jesus take care of it.
I guess that’s what the Lord has been telling me all along. To be still. He will fight for me, I need only to be still. So that is my prayer. That I can sit in this anxiety that seems to envelop me at times and at other times is just a quiet background figure. Jesus can handle it.