Waiting…and waiting some more.

I have spent many days waiting in the past few months. I waited three weeks for my husband to have brain surgery. I waited a week for results to an MRI. I waited to see what the church would say. I waited to see what our friends would do. I waited for life to begin again. And yet, I found myself waiting again this week.

I spent many hours waiting this week. I waited at Jury Duty, to be told I had to come back and wait again the next day. I waited in Texas/OU traffic on my way to Dallas on Saturday. I waited at Starbucks. I waited at the gas pump.
I waited for the phone to ring.
I waited for the door to open.
I waited for an answer.

And I am still waiting. I am waiting on God to tell me what to do. I am waiting on God to move in another person, to see how he reacts. I read this today:

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:25-26)

It is good that one should hope and wait for God. I wait quietly. I move on in my life and continue to pursue God even when it is painful. The bible tells me that God strengthens those who wait. He humbles those who wait. He is humbling me. He is forcing me to reconcile the fact that I cannot do anything apart from Him. He is helping me to see that He ALONE is trustworthy, He ALONE is good, He ALONE holds all things together. He works all things together for my good. Not for my happiness, or my American dream, or the future I planned on, but for my good. He is for me, and I trust in that, knowing that He is good, he fights for me, and He will not leave me defenseless.
I was reminded today of the Shane Barnard song “Waiting Room”…these lyrics portray, in a way I cannot find in my own words, what my soul is struggling through…
May We all Wait Well, on the forgiveness, grace, mercy, and deliverance of God, on the return of Christ, and on the ultimate reconciliation of all things broken.

I will run when I cannot walk.
I will sing when there is no song.
I will pray when there is no prayer.
I will listen when I cannot hear..

Sitting in the waiting room of silence,
Waiting for that still-soft voice I know.
Offering my words up to the rooftop to your heart,
Trusting that this closet’s where you are..

Lord I know if I change my mind,
You will change my heart in time.
Sovereign Lord, this time’s for you
So I sit in the waiting room of silence..
Because it’s all about you.

I will fight when I cannot fear.
I will trust when things don’t seem clear.
I will tell when I cannot speak.
I will step when I cannot see.

Sitting the waiting room of silence,
Waiting for that still-soft voice I know.
Offering my words up to the rooftop to you heart,
Trusting that this closet’s where you are.

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On Sadness and Suffering

To say the last six weeks of my life has been a nightmare would be an understatement of the greatest proportion. My heart has been broken over accusations from formerly-respected people, and it was crushed on Thursday. To say that the last six months of my life has been a struggle would be an understatement. If I was to share the things that have gone on, I don’t know that people could conceive of them. At times I feel my entire world is crumbling around me.

I am in a season of suffering, and my sadness is overwhelming at times.

And, yet, I have hope. Because I don’t cling to a church, or a family, or a future the way I want it to be. I don’t find my hope in how other’s treat me, how other’s act, or what other’s do to me. I hope because I cling to God.

The past week has taught me in a new way how to cling to God. How to cling to hope. How to pray, face down on the floor, even when the words aren’t there. How to pray for those who have hurt me, pray for restoration, pray for answers. I have recieved some answers, there are some things I know:
1. I know that if your mom can’t be there to hug you, your big sister can.
2. I know that people will fight for me and with me to make things right.
3. I know that good friends call everyday to check on me.
4. I know that people are praying for me and for JD.
5. I know God is answering their prayers by raining His peace over me.
6. I know that despite where we are, God will pursue us.
7. I know that there is forgiveness where there is repentance.
8. I know that eventually things will be okay, even if that is when I arrive in heaven.
9. I know that God has not left me, nor will He leave me. ever.
10. I know that God holds my heart, my life, my future in His loving hands.

He is not surprised by my suffering. He is in it, and He will use it to make me more like Him. He is for me in my suffering, He is for me in my joy. God is for me. Always.