If you would have asked me on March 16, 2007, what my worst fear was, I would have told you I feared, more than anything, my husband deciding to leave me. And I would say this very nonchalantly because things like that don’t happen to people who love Jesus and my husband would never do that, plus it was my wedding day, so “yay, cake!”. At the time, this seemed a tragedy that, if it were to ever happen, may just be the one trauma in my life that completely and totally drove me off the deep end. Because, the way I see it, when you say vows, you mean them, so leaving is just not an option. And, I couldn’t imagine that my psyche could deal with the deep level of rejection that would come with my husband leaving me. Being left alone, that was my worst nightmare.
And then, last September, it happened. My husband left me, and an entire year, and multiple interventions later, I still am unsure why. I have my guesses, I have my suspicions, and I have some facts, but I do not have a clearly defined reason why he decided to leave and file for divorce.
This past year has been terrible. This past year has been beautiful. This past year has been one of surviving, one of growing pains, one of discovery, and one of heartache. As I went to court on Friday to finalize our divorce, I couldn’t help but think of how gracious God has been to me this year. His providence has been evident in many areas of my life, and if my own husband had not abandoned me, I would not have learned to lean so fiercely into the One who will never leave me.
The damage caused my this rejection has not been fully discovered, and it may be a lifetime before I fully heal from these wounds. But God is my healer, and He is the one who will never reject me. Over the past year, the lies of “You are not worth it”, “No one wants you”, “You are not worth fighting for”, “You will be alone forever”, “You are not enough” have plagued me like a thick cloud of fog I cannot feel my way out of. But God is shining His light and warmth and the fog is slowly being lifted. Because He will fight for me, He wants me, He is always with me, He thinks I am worth it, and I am enough because of Him.
My husband abandoned me. My marriage failed. I relapsed in my eating disorder. And it all sucked.
But because of God’s steadfast love for me, I survived my worst nightmare.