Full Disclosure

In the time I have had this blog, I have written about my struggle with anorexia a time or two, so no one is unaware of that demon in my life. However, in the years I have had this blog, I had also been experiencing a time of sobriety and freedom. 

I am not in a time like that right now. If I am completely and utterly honest, I am terrified to eat. 

The past few weeks have been excruciatingly difficult for me as I have begun to wrestle with demons new and old. I have returned to seeing a nutritionist and am currently waiting for a bi-weekly eating disorder support group to begin. I have headed back to war again my “food issues” because with all that has happened to me this past year and a half, the demons are screaming lies at me. Lies I have been hearing since I was young have been coming to the surface in ways which are proving difficult to fight. I am tormented with thoughts like “Everyone is mad at you.” and “They all hate you and are sick of you”. I hear silence from friends as “No one wants you” or “Who do you even think you are to think someone would love you”. I live in constant fear that everyone else is going to figure out how terrible I am and leave. And what it all boils down to, and the biggest lie I hear and listen to is simply…

“I am a worthless piece of crap”. 

Now I do not write this so that you guys will call me and remind me this is not true. I KNOW it is not true, but I struggle to believe it is not true. I, at times, cannot believe that what has been done to me would have been done if I were a worthwhile person. And what does this constant struggle have to do with food? For years, I could not make the connection, but I finally did a few weeks ago.

Because after nearly ten years of breaking down trauma and heartache and fighting anorexia, I had a break through when I realized that I don’t eat because I do not think I am worthy of food. I do not think I am worthy of sitting at a table and nourishing my body. I am so bad and awful that I starve myself. I want to disappear and I do not believe I deserve to take up space, so I physically make myself take up less space by being underweight. 

My nutritionist said something to me in her office last week as I wept from sheer panic and exhaustion.  I told her I don’t deserve to eat and she reminded me that “even murderers and rapists in prison get to eat three times a day and as far as I know, you have done neither of those things”. 

So that is where I am right now. I have had some major successes in the past few weeks and am feeling encouraged in this battle, but the more I realize how deep the enemy has his claws in me with this lie, the more I realize it’s a long hard battle I have to fight. And it’s in those moments, when the battle feels so huge and I feel like I am facing Goliath with a slingshot and some rocks and he has this huge-ass sword, it’s in those moments that I remember that God fights with me, and when I cannot go on, He wars on my behalf. He does not merely throw a punch for me, He WARS on my behalf. He is kicking ass and taking names and in the end, He wins. 

And in the meantime, I will fight that lie. I will remember that truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am a daughter of the Most High King, I was created in the image of God, I am beloved, I am worthy, I am pure, I am priceless, I am forgiven, I am fought for, I am held close, I am never alone. I am a worthy, priceless treasure, and one day, I will sit down at the banquet table with the King, and I will eat and be full. 

And, before that day comes, I will fight this fight so that I can sit down at the dinner table, nourish my body and believe the truth that I am worthy. And I pray that the women and men who struggle with eating disorders will believe that they too, are worthy to be loved and nourished. God help us in our unbelief. 

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