I recently re-listened to an album I loved many years ago and I heard lyrics that reminded me it’s not over. The opening verse of the song says “I believe in the rest of the story, I believe there’s still ink in the pen…I believe it’s the human condition, we all need to have answers to why, more than ever, I’m ready to say that I will still sleep peacefully with answers out of reach for me”.
So true for me. I have searched for answers and grasped at straws trying to figure out what happened. Where did it start? When did the lying start? What was really going on? I want the truth, and I keep trying to get it or find it and then I end up created some sort of version of it based on conjecture. I finally reached the end of myself a few weeks ago, and said something profound in counseling. I just asked “When will I stop trying to get something from JD that he will never give me?” Basically, I have to give up the drive to find the truth and the reason in it all. It’s there, and I don’t know it, and I don’t know who knows it, apart from God.
But the thing is, it’s not over. One day, I will know fully what happened and what went wrong. One day, even if it’s not until I reach heaven, I will fully see what happened and what God did with all of it. And, until that day comes, I will rest in Christ. I will find peace in the Lord, who is not finished yet, and who fully understands my longing to know the details and the why of it all.
I cannot change what happened way back when. I cannot go back and find hints and clues and dig for truth forever or I will go crazy. I have done that and I am finished. What I can do is what I am doing. I can look at my marriage and look at the things I let happen and the things I did. I can address my anxiety around standing up for myself, I can reconcile myself to the fact that I messed up, that I was manipulated, that I manipulated, and I can grow.
Because there is still ink in the pen. It’s not over for me. God is still working and I can trust Him even though I don’t know the answers right now. One day I will, and that’s good enough for me.
I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there’s still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when
I believe it’s the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever, I’m ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until…
Someday all that’s crazy
All that’s unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that’s hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we’re just waiting
We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can’t help but wander
And dream about the other side of…
Every puzzle’s missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the Hands that hold you for someday.