You’ve Never Failed, and You won’t Start now…

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

Yesterday, I cried for the first time in a long while. I cried from loneliness. I cried out of disappointment, fear, anger, and pain. Because every once in a while, a new circumstance or moment will bring all the pain of my divorce back. And it hurts. Because when you are married, you have a built in buddy. Someone who will watch movies with you, go to that new restaurant, who will hold your hand, ect. You have someone on Saturday nights. You have someone for the concert or indie film or to check out that new museum. And it’s comfortable, and it’s known, and it’s a guarantee (oh, and it’s a man). And getting divorced changed that.

It’s hard for me. I’m a homebody. I like to read, and watch documentaries, and play scrabble. And sometimes, I miss having someone always there to do that with. It’s not that I miss JD. It’s that I miss companionship that I don’t have to work for. And the hard part is that I was missing that companionship before JD even left. I have been lonely for so long, and it’s hard to hold on sometimes, and not just sink into a pit of despair. It’s hard not to listen to the lie that tells me “I will be lonely, alone, and despondent forever” (quickly followed by the thought “Oh crap, I’m 29 and I can feel my ovaries withering up! I’ll die alone and childless!” I tend to go a little overboard when freaking out).

So, I woke up this morning, with that familiar ache in my chest, and I went to church. And I worked with my Little Village buddy, and I sat with a friend, and I listened to a sermon on Joseph and forgiveness and grace for those who harm us, and it seemed like any other Sunday. And then we sang a song that tore through my achy heart, and the Lord was there. And the verse I wrote above spoke clearly to me. God’s hand is sovereign and He is leading me. He knows where I am, He knows my ache, my pain, my frustration. He knows my desires, and He knows the fight I face to keep them alive. He knows the nights when my half-empty bed feels cavernous. 

He knows I am afraid that I will never be loved again. Because I am terrified.  

And I know He has never failed me. And He is leading me. And this journey has taken me deeper than I could have ever wandered on my own. I am not who I was on September 29, 2011, and He led me through this wilderness to be in His presence, to trust Him, to make my feet firm and my faith strong, and my heart soft. And because He led me to this place, through the crappiest of circumstances, I know to call on His name, and that I can rest and lean on His chest, and my head will not succumb to the deep ocean water. Even if I am never loved again. If I never hold another hand, or love another man, He will be helper and companion, and I won’t drown. 

I am His, He is mine. And He has never failed, and He won’t start now. 

 

Oceans

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine


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