I have been listening to this song on repeat today. I do that sometimes, when I am struggling or anxious, or when I just need a reminder of truth.
Anxiety is eating me alive today. It has been for a few days now. Things are so different now. I don’t see my small group as much, I work longer hours, I am not living with my sister anymore.
And then there’s the boy.
He’s wonderful. He’s kind, and fun, and smart, and we had our first dance party yesterday. It’s good.
So, naturally, I fret.
Because, heaven knows, I cannot get through a day without a lie or two (or 651) making it’s way in. Especially in times of change or transition. These days the lies revolve around being left, being helpless, loving someone and being made a fool.
I tell myself “We have nothing in common”, I tell myself “I’m unlovable”, I tell myself “He’ll figure out how insecure I am and run for the hills (or bike for the hills).”
I tell myself my heart is going to be crushed into a million little pieces all over again
I hear lies.
I believe them.
And I take them on as truth.
And that’s not okay.
Because when I wear these lies as truth, my anxious heart takes over.
Because, in my anxiety, I am forgetting.
I am forgetting how faithful God was to me. I am forgetting that I am never beyond His reach in my anxiety and sin. I am forgetting that He is good, He is my refuge, He is my hope, He is my healer.
And this song was on this morning, and I felt in my heart a peace. Not a peace because my heart will never be broken again ( it might be). Not a peace because my boyfriend is wonderful (even though he is).
A peace that said “My sweet Kacy, my love, remember how I have always held you. Do not forget what I have done. I know you are scared. I know this terrifies you. I know that you are trusting another human with your heart, and that is a frightening thing to do when it has been abused before. But, please, remember how faithful I was to you. I am not changing. I am constant. You are held in my arms. I will not drop you on your head”.
And when I hear those lies, and my stomach drops, and I collapse in a heap of tears on the floor, and I act like a total jerk because I’m scared, my desire is to remember.
Remember who really holds my heart.
Remember who brought Collin into my life.
Remember how He held my hand when I was terrified.
Remember how He rejoiced with me when I felt love again.
Remember how He is sufficient in all my fears and struggles and sins.
Remember that He is not done yet.
“I am He who brings freedom
I will redeem with an outstretched arm
You’re never too far from my grasp
I am Deliverer I will come to your rescue”