There is a song I’ve been listening to that has become one of my favorites.
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could all that is lost ever be found? I wondered that for a long time. I knew God would redeem, I knew He would restore. I knew that He would keep His promise to “restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten” (Joel 2:25). I knew He would, but I had no idea the beautiful thing He was forming and making through pain and struggle.
On March 13, I went to the Arboretum with Collin. It was a regular Thursday, I knew nothing was going to happen because in a heated argument a few days before, (wherein I acted like a fool and broke up with him, not meaning it at all, just talking out of my butt) Collin blurted out “I was going to propose to you on Thursday!!!!” and I said back “Why did you tell me??!?!? I ruined it! It’s ruined!”.
I was getting ready at my apartment that Thursday, and I was a bit melancholy. Collin asked me what was going on, I answered “I’m just sad I ruined it and we’re not going to get engaged today”. He didn’t say much after that, he just reassured me that I didn’t ruin anything and his backup plan was spectacular so not to worry.
We got in the car, we drove to Dallas, holding hands and chatting. We pulled into Whole Foods, got food for a picnic, and set off for the Arboretum. We went in, and Collin walked to this spot and we started eating. Then he says “I got you something”, as he pulls this book out of his backpack, “it’s an ‘I’m sorry your not getting engaged book'”. I didn’t think much of it. Collin can be a little quirky, and so can I, so it would totally be something one of us would do.
He hands me a book, it’s brown, it’s small, it’s titled “Reasons why I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. I start reading it, and laughing because each page is dedicated to some reason he loves me, and there are drawing to accompany it. Drawings that his students drew. It was perfect. It was sweet. It was hilarious. The pages doted on how weird I am, my ears, my laugh, my love of knowledge, and my hair…and the drawings…perfection.
But, because I’m still a bit dense, I had no idea he was proposing. Then, he gets in front of me, and says “did you really think I wasn’t going to propose today? Will you be my wife?” I nod. He says “I didn’t hear you”. I’m crying (ugly cry, y’all), he says “Can I have your hand?” I give my hand to him and in that moment, I am overwhelmed. All I can think is “Thank you, Lord. Thank you. You are good. Thank you for redemption, mercy, grace, and joy”.
And, so in that moment, and in the struggles and growing pains that have happened in our relationship, I have seen a small glimpse of His restoration. That, ultimately, all that is lost in this fallen world will be found. And marrying Collin is a small picture of that. It’s a reminder that God will make all things right, He will restore and redeem, and He will make beautiful things out of us.
Reading the book, kissing, laughing at the sweetness.
Did you really think I wasn’t going to propose today?
Working Title: Ugly Cry
Joy, pure joy.
Our kids will have fabulous hair.