So being a mom is hard…

Here’s the thing I can’t really stand about society: There’s little freedom to struggle and say what needs to be said, say what needs to heard, and express the truth of your heart, and not be judged for it.

I have found this to be true in many avenues in life, but none more so than the pressure of being a new mommy. Here’s what the world thinks and wants mommies everywhere to portray: “This child came out of me, I loved him the instant I saw him, my heart is so full, being a mommy is amazing, ect”. Now, don’t get me wrong, I did love Wilson the moment I saw him, but I had loved him for a while, so it wasn’t this intense, all powerful dream sequence or anything. And being a mom is amazing. Sometimes, it’s amazingly fun, amazingly enjoyable, amazingly wonderful. Sometimes, it’s amazingly exhausting, amazingly annoying, amazingly overwhelming, amazingly difficult. Sometimes, I just want to be amazingly selfish and reclaim the right to my own boobies!

It’s hard to be a mom. It’s hard work to know that an entire other person relies on you, in the literal sense. He needs me to survive, I am his source of food. Collin and I are his source of warmth, comfort, cleanliness, and well-being. (No pressure there!)

And I just wonder if other moms feel the same way. Does anybody else get frustrated when you just fed, burped, changed, held and rocked your baby and they still fuss? Does anyone else get mad in the middle of the night because you’re awake? Does anyone else get scared that the pressure of raising a child, keeping your husband happy, and being fulfilled in your personal life might just be too much? Does anyone else struggle with the constant giving up of yourself, your body, and your time?

Here’s the thing I wish more moms would say to each other. I wish they would just say “Yes, I feel that way.” or “I totally felt that way when my kids were newborns and eventually they will sleep.” or “I don’t feel that way, but I can see how someone could because mommies work hard”.More than anything, I wish they would just say to each other “Good work. You are doing a great job.”

Because you are. Don’t forget it.

wilsonandmom

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Wilson’s Birth Story

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Wilson Daniel Davis

Born June 13, 2015

Weight: 6lbs Length:19 inches

It all started on Monday, we had just released from school for the summer, I’m only 36 weeks pregnant, and I lost my mucus plug at 4 in the morning. (gross, I know, but it plays a role in the whole birthing a child thing, along with a lot of blood, poop, and boobies). I woke Collin up, told him I lost my plug, put all the baby clothes in the washer and went back to sleep. I woke up around 8 and started packing. I packed my bag, baby’s bag, and finished organizing the nursery as much as possible. I texted my midwife, she said it could be 24-48 hours but try to keep baby inside me until 37 weeks, because I am completely in charge of nature and how this will progress. Not.  So, I stopped walking, only rode the bike at the gym, and stopped running. And I waited. On Wednesday, I started having contractions. It was false labor, but they were lasting about 45 seconds and were not regular, but they were uncomfortable.

By Friday morning, they were painful. They weren’t lasting a minute yet, and were only about 15 minutes apart, so I knew it wasn’t time yet, but I knew the time was getting close. I was having to stop and rest when I was having contractions, and I was in pain. I had plans to see a movie with a friend, but had to cancel, mainly because I was terrified to drive and afraid I would go into labor far from home, and with the family history of fast labors, I didn’t want to risk it. So, I stayed home, drank some wine, and tried to sleep. I slept in between the contractions, and woke up exhausted on Saturday morning.

On Saturday morning, we called the midwife and went to the office to see her and get checked out. I was 4 cm dilated, and 100 percent effaced. People can walk around for weeks like that, but I knew it wouldn’t be long. My mom had fast labors with all her children, and my sister had a kid in like ten minutes or something, so I was thinking we had about four hours. I saw the chiropractor for some hip pain, and it spurred things on. Collin went to get us some lunch, and we headed home around 11:45. We were home about an hour and a half and called the midwife again, because it was time. This kid was coming. I was ready to finally stop crawling around on the ground in pain and just get this thing going! By the time we got to the birthing center, I was dilated to a 7 and we were ready to go. We called family and told them we were headed there, and my mom was the first to arrive. She and my sister, Amy, came in the birthing room to say hi and then everyone was asked to stay in the waiting room. I think they didn’t really want to see me as much as check out where this kid would be born because I am the first in my family to use a birthing center. Don’t worry, mom, they clean them very well.

The contractions intensified, and they were so painful. I could feel them starting and would dread the pain in my back that meant another one was on its way. I got in the pool and the warm water felt really great. After about 45 minutes of laboring, I got back out and she checked me. I was a 9 and she needed to break my water. Once she did that, it was the worst time of my life. Thought I would die. Seriously. And when I wasn’t thinking I would die, I wanted to die.

I was in the water, and she told me my body would let me know when it was time to push. She was checking me, and they were monitoring my heart after each contraction, and monitoring baby every few minutes. I was ready to push, and I had no idea that my body would force me to. I thought “yeah, right. I am just pushing and getting this over with”. Luckily, she guided me through pushing, and I managed not to cuss, tear, or pass out from strain. I think the main things I said were “Get it out of me! Get out of me! I want to die! This is awful! Jesus, please help me!”. And then, in a moment that can only be described as the biggest relief of my entire life, the baby came out, into the water, and I reached down and pulled the baby out of the water. I looked down and said “oh, it’s a boy”. And I pulled him up, he cried a bit, Collin cried, and I was just completely in awe. The midwife turned off the light, no one spoke except Collin and me. We prayed for Wilson. It was beautiful to finally meet this little boy who I felt I already knew. When I saw him, and I discovered he was a boy, I thought “of course, he could be nothing else. He’s perfect”. It was like hugging an old friend, someone I’ve known so well for so long, and finally can see. And, it was like all those pounds i gained, all the tears i shed, all the times I worried, were just placed to the side, because he was worth it. He was worth the sickness, the pain, the annoyances, the pregnant longing. He was worth it. He is worth it.

Once we got out of the water, we both got checked out and then headed to the herbal bath. After the bath, all the family came in to see Wilson. We introduced the little man, Wilson Daniel Davis, to everyone. We had known we would name him Wilson, whether he was male or female, but hadn’t decided on a middle name. We picked Daniel. Daniel, a strong man, who stood for what was right, fought when faced with death, and honored God with his words and life. We pray Wilson will love and honor the Lord as Daniel did. Plus, any dude who can hang with lions all night, gets my vote! My mom and stepdad, Collin’s parents, Bethany and Reynolds, and my sisters Amy and Kyle came to see him. Collin helped Ann, our midwife, weigh and measure Wilson, and then we ate dinner, chatted with family, and went home. (not our home, we stayed with my mom for 2 weeks, which I highly recommend).

It was the most surreal experience of my life. I woke up with a person inside of me, and changed that same person’s diaper before I went to bed that night. Everyone, niece, nephews, dad, and stepmom, met him on Sunday at my mom’s house. It was wonderful to see how Max, Graham, and Olivia were excited by him and loved him. I am so excited for him to grow up and be friends with his cousins. He is going to have a blast!!!

Wilson, you are so loved. I can’t even explain it. You were a complete surprise, we didn’t plan you, we were overwhelmed when we found out you were on your way, but God planned it. And God does good things. He did a great thing when he made you and gave you to your daddy and me to care for, teach, and love. And we will do whatever we can to lead you well.

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