It’s gonna be wild…

wilson3

Dear Wilson,

Hi. You are three months old now. You can hold your head up, you smile and laugh. You also lose it when we go somewhere new or there is too much going on. I totally get that. I’m the same way, I just have words to express it.

I have been praying for you since the day I found out you were on your way. I have been praying for you to be kind, brave, and open. I have prayed for you to be healthy, happy, and free from heartache.

But, really, what I have prayed is that God would save your soul. That He would open up your heart, and that, in turn, you would let Him in.

Today, I heard a new song. I sat there, and I prayed it for you.

I have dreams for you, son. I want you to grow up, learn, go to college, love to read, and marry a really nice girl who loves you as much as I do. I want you to impact the world for good. I want you to hug orphans and feed the hungry. I want you to see the world and worship the God who made it.

But the truth is my plans are nothing compared to what God has for you.

The song says:

I have a plan for you. I have a plan for you.

It’s gonna be wild.

It’s gonna be great.

It’s gonna be full of Me.

And, I want this song to be your anthem, Wilson. I want you to open your heart to Jesus. He has some wild plans for you. They are going to be great. They are going to be scary sometimes. They are going to be confusing. They will make you laugh and cry and wonder.

But, they will be full of Him. And that’s the best part.

Daddy and I love you. So much. And God loves you so much more.

He has a plan for you.

I love you,

Mommy.

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I See You

This morning was just like all theĀ other seemingly endless mornings that have come since Wilson was born. I woke up, he cried, I fed him, he cried, he laughed, he talked, he screamed at me while he did tummy time, and then I opened the door to leave to go on a run and there was something on my doorstep.

It was a little metal pail. It had a card in it, a giftcard, a bath sponge, some lipgloss, and a facial mask.

I quickly opened the card, and read the kind note inside, and flipped it over and over and looked and looked and nothing.

There was no name on this besides “To: Kacy”.

It was anonymous.

I teared up.

Because it’s been a hard go around here, guys. Really hard. I love my son. I love my husband. I struggle. Since Wilson arrived, I have been seriously struggling. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel multiple times, pack my bag, and move to Canada. I just can’t seem to get it right. I can’t seem to please my husband and be the wife he needs me to be. I can’t seem to get my son to stop screaming when we go anywhere that’s not our home. I can’t seem to be a good friend, sister, or daughter. I’m constantly pulled in multiple directions and I feel under so much pressure to get it right.

And I don’t even know what “right” is!

And when I opened the door today, there was more than just a gift sitting there. There was encouragement. There was someone saying “I see you”. Someone, whoever it was, sees me trying, sees me caring, sees me wanting to do what’s best, and they wanted to let me know.

And even more than them letting me know, God was letting me know that He sees me. He sees those struggles. He sees those moments when I want to give up and scream and I don’t, and He says “Good job”. He sees me working hard at this new role I’m in, and He knows that I need encouragement sometimes. And He knows my needs, and He gives me what I need. He doesn’t give me a peaceful home, with a giggling baby, and a marriage that is conflict free, but He gives me grace to continue to work and fight and dream.

He sees me. And He loves me. And He sees you, too. He knows how hard you’re working, and how tired you are. He knows how hard it is to love your spouse and care for your children. He knows your heart and He loves you, and He sees the good work you are doing, even when it seems no one else does.

And, honestly, as long as God sees me, everything else is just icing on the cake.

P.S. I think we should all get in the habit of dropping off anonymous gifts of encouragement to others. Because, sometimes, people need to be seen and loved and given a little “good job”.