The Weight of Parenthood

 

I was watching Wilson the other morning as he rolled around on the floor, babbling with delight. “What a cute kid” I thought. And, then I had this thought. I’ve had it many times before. I thought “He’s here to stay. He’s my son. He’s our son. He’ll learn how to live in this world from us”.

What. A. Weight.

I felt the heaviness of that calling, the importance of what God charged me with, in a way I haven’t felt before.

Perhaps it is because he is growing. He is eating real food, he watches what we do ALL THE TIME, he reacts when we laugh and talk. He hears what we are saying.

And, at the same time that I am honored God would give us this gift, I am terrified. The weight is there.

I have been thinking about how I want to mentor and teach Wilson, and how we can teach him as parents, but before I even think about that, I have to think about what I desire for him.

In a nutshell, we want him to be brave, honest, and kind.

How is that achieved? Can we achieve it?

The simple answer is no, but sort of. We can try as hard as possible, and we intend to, but, at the end of the day, Wilson’s salvation and future are in the hands of God. I can pray, we can pray, we can call on our families and our “village” to pray and guide and help. We will do this, we already do this. We will work hard.

And the thing God is constantly reminding me of is that He is working harder than I am. His love for Wilson and desire for Wilson’s growth and heart is more than I can even imagine. God wants for Wilson what I could never even dream of. And the plans He has for Wilson are good. God’s plan is always the best, even if it seems the worst.

So, yes, I feel the weight of parenthood in a very real way. I am afraid I will mess up and harm Wilson with my words or my actions, I am afraid I won’t teach him how to love well because of how poorly I love sometimes. I feel the weight of wanting to teach him about trusting God, when I don’t do that well. I really mess up sometimes, and now I have someone who is learning from me. That’s a substantial calling.

The weight is heavy, guys. The calling is large, important, and scary. We have a big job to do, Collin and I (and all other parents). It’s overwhelming at times, but when I look at who God is and who I believe Him to be, it reminds me that I don’t have to carry it all. I will try, I will work, I will disciple, I will pray, and I will earnestly seek God in all I do as a parent, but I will also rest in Him, knowing full well that His love for Wilson is vast and endless. He’s got this.

He’s got the whole world in His hands. Rest in that, parents.

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Things I am Loving…

My older sister, Kyle, posted something in her blog about a podcast she listens to, something something Jamie something. I forget. I subscribed to it and now I forget. I usually listen to podcasts about life in America, or TED talks, or weird people in sub-saharan Africa and their tribal traditions  concerning brushing teeth, so I thought I would give this one a try. Change can be good.

This one was good. It was just this Jamie lady and a guest and they talked about everything. Literally, everything. They covered topics like breast cancer, Gilmore Girls, adoption, waking up at 5 am just so you can workout, I mean, all of it. All while keeping it focused on Jesus.

I love it. It’s refreshing and nourishing to the soul, much like coffee with your best friend, where you talk about your latest foray into fashion (currently “joggers” and “booties) and how you are struggling (currently hopelessness and anger) and what you are seeing God do (melt hearts).

So, she always asks her lady guests to share three things they are loving at the moment, and I thought I would share those things, too. (Because I know all the people who read this really care what I’m digging’ these days)

  1. Wilson and Collin. Yes, I enjoy them both as their own separate entities, but watching them together is really quite hilarious. Collin adores Wilson. And Wilson, he loves Collin. My favorite part of the whole relationship is how Collin sings to Wilson all the time. Literally, all the time. Literally. All.The.Time. Currently, his favorite song is “He’s a big boy, he’s a big boy, he’s a big boy and he is here” (I am aware he is here. He came out of me. He is, most definitely, here). He also calls Wilson “Hungry Hippo” and ding dong.
  2. My new journaling Bible. I can write in it! I can write in it! I distinctly remember drawing in my Bible when I was four years old and getting in trouble in Sunday School, because “we don’t color in our Bibles”. I was thoroughly confused, seeing as how both of my parents wrote in their bibles. Also, side note, I got in a lot of trouble at church growing up. A LOT.
  3. Breast pumps. This may be TMI for some of you, but I am an exclusive pumper. This means my offspring does not nurse, but takes bottles of breast milk. This means I must pump to get the milk out. This means that if the pump is struggling, things can go downhill quickly. This evening, my breast pump stopped pumping well. I thought “No problem, I’ll use the other one.” The other one was struggling, as well. I was not happy. I was full of milk and there was no where to go. So, I thought to myself, well, I’ll just nurse Wilson. He can nurse still. So, I put him on there and this little toot, with his brand new teeth, bit the ever loving tar out of me. HE BIT ME! I informed him that we do not bite, and asked him kindly to let go. At which point, I sat him at the table and tried to feed him cereal and eat my own dinner. And then after dinner Collin and I worked on the pumps and got them working again, and praise Jesus, I won’t get bit again. So, I am really loving the breast pump.

Here are three things I am NOT into:

  1. Donald Trump
  2. people saying mean things
  3. cloudy, cold weather.

And, in the good and the bad, God is constant. When I am rejoicing over a fixed pump or broken hearted over words said, God is constant. He was, He is, and He will always be.

Also, look at Wilson, looking all innocent, that little booger BIT ME!!!