There is a human inside of me…

I’m 20 weeks along today. Halfway there. In 20 weeks (give or take some) Baby will be here.

Here are some random thoughts I have concerning this:

-what if i hate who this kid wants to marry?

-what if he/she has special needs?

-what if I never lose the weight?

-when will i have time to workout?

-what if this kid doesn’t like me?

-what if they are allergic to the sun and we can’t go outside? (it’s a real thing, I saw it on 20/20 once)

-will they love Jesus?

-what if they get hurt?

-what if they can’t see? hear? speak?

-am I going to screw this kid up?

-will they like music?

-will God save them when they are young?

-will God give them a testimony like mine (please, Jesus, no!) or a nice, calm one?

-what if they decide to be gay?

-will they have friends?

-what if they are ugly? I’m sure this sounds really dumb, but I don’t want them to be ugly and made fun of.

-will they like to swim? I hope so

-will they like their cousins? will their cousins like them?

Yeah, so it’s basically a list of things I have no control of. I’m unsure of what is coming my way. But I know something, I have never been left alone. I have never been dropped on my head or given more to handle than the grace God has given me. I was thinking last week, when talking with a friend, about this terrible season of my life, where I literally did not know what was ahead of me past that day. And, even when I think about that time right now, I see that God equipped me with enough grace, love, and courage to make it through. I took it a day at a time. And that is what I can do with this. I can take it a day at a time. A feeding at a time. A diaper at a time. An exhausted fight with my husband because neither of us has slept at a time. Because, I whole heartedly believe that God is in the business of giving us more than we can handle, and then giving us the grace to make it through. That’s what He does. He equips us. He gives us what we need. And He knows I am concerned and worried. He knows I am afraid of weight gain and selflessness. And He is giving me what I need to make it through.