March…

February has been a terrible month. Terrible. I am grateful that this month has less days than the rest. Collin told me he read that the most breakups happen in February.

I’m not surprised.

I mean, I fought like a crazy lady with him this month. My brother was sick, my fear escalated to a height it hasn’t seen since 2011, (which was pretty much a year of “Februarys”), I almost gave up on the love of my life. It was not fun.

But March is here tomorrow…

March will bring sunshine.

March brings a new baby.

March brings promises to love forever.

March brings the celebration of my 30th year on this here planet.

March brings flowers, sunshine, flip flops, warm bike rides, dates to the Arboretum, spring break, rest, and joy.

To me, March has always represented spring. And Spring is renewal. Spring means change. Spring means freedom from darkness and drudgery. Longer hours of sunshine, less hours of cold darkness.

March is here. Spring is here. Change is coming. This darkness is ending, warmth and beauty is growing in its place. 

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God is…

I drove to JPS yesterday, third time in three days. God is good.

The sun was out, I had just finished a marathon, I worried myself sick throughout the whole marathon. God is good.

 I left a hospital cafeteria with my mom and sobbed in the hallway. God is good.

I kept saying “It will be ok. It has to be. It has always been. You’ll see”. God is good

I don’t know that I believe my own words. God is good.

I prayed freedom for my brother. God is good.

I cried for sin and lies and struggles and pain and frustration. God is good. 

 I’m crying in my car, weeping for freedom and salvation and rest, how I need rest. And I am dying to understand.

I’m dying to have the pressure lifted just a bit, because I can’t do it all. I can’t be great sister, daughter, friend, teacher, and girlfriend, I can’t. I must know to whom I belong, where I can find that ever elusive rest. I cannot be the person I was last week or last month or in September, right now. That person is barely holding on. God is good.

My heart is worried, scared, restless, nervous, racing. God is good.

 

I plan for the next four hours, I don’t know what’s coming, I can’t plan further out than that. I know he is safe. God is good. 

God is good. God understands. God goes before and makes a way. God is in this. God forgives. God loves. God is love. God does not expect perfection from an imperfect person. God is peace and rest and space. God is God. He is holding me. 

I remind myself of struggles. Of anorexia, divorce, heart ache, late nights, panic attacks. I remind myself that He will not drop me on my head. He’s just not going to. He can’t. He’s good. He’s holding me. He holds my loved ones. He is rest and space and peace. 

He is good. He will show up. He will heal. He will turn this weeping into laughter. 

HE CANNOT FAIL. 

God is good.

Will there be a victory?

I’m tired. I’m scared. I’m anxious.

I don’t want to share details, I don’t want to think about it. It scares me. I hate everything I know right now. 

It feels so shattered, so scary, so threatening. 

I need to know that He’s still holding the whole world in his hands. I need to know that He’s already won the battle. I need to know these things. I need to know that He sees all, He is in all, He is good. I need to know that this, too, will be beautiful one day. 

I listened to a song this morning that was hard, because it asked questions that I had deep in my soul, that I need to know the answer to.

“Will there be a victory? Will You sing it over me? Your peace is the melody, will you sing it over me, now?”

God, will you use this? How are you going to redeem this? Can I trust you to come through again? What the hell are you doing? Why? 

But as I type this, and sit here, crying and fearing, He is speaking to me. He is saying “Love, I have redeemed before. I will do it again. I have always used the sickness and fear and disease this family has encountered to change hearts and bring joy. Remember? Remember anorexia? Remember divorce? Remember depression? Remember how I healed? Don’t let go. I have won. There is victory. I conquered all on the cross. Yeah, the enemy still fights, but he WILL NOT WIN.”

God, sing Your peace and victory over Taiwan. Please, Lord. Please. Redeem, once again. Let us look back on this and remember in tears of joy, how you redeemed and healed and rescued. Because I know You will. I know it. 

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